In Defense of Todd Akin

William Todd Akin (born July 5, 1947) is the U.S. Representative for Missouri’s 2nd congressional district, serving since 2001. He is also a corporate-owned douche bag who, as most people on the planet now know, claimed that the female body naturally rejects sperm in cases of “legitimate rape,” thereby magically preventing any chance of pregnancy. But we instantly became a flashmob of judgement, hurling molotov cocktails of vitriol, demanding this, that or the other. Did any of us ever stop to think maybe he was right, or at least innocently misguided? Did Snopes.com pronounce the rumor false with handy links to references? Did anybody look up legitimate rape’s Wikipedia page? I bet not. Now consider this:

In Figure 1 above, we see a beautiful mustard flower. That’s right, the one that’s used for the justly famous condiment of the same name - Brassica juncea - to be specific. It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to think of it as illegitimate rape, especially if you’re the kind of fellow who believes Bill Nye brought about Hurricane Isaac by denouncing creationism.

Figure 2 shows us a flowering Brassica oleracea. It would be a star in any arrangement, don’t you agree? You might know it as broccoli, very popular in its own right, and delicious with a touch of a nice olive oil and some flaky sea salt. But again, Alan Dershowitz could probably convince a jury that it, too, is illegitimate rape.

Finally, Figure 3 is rape, or Brassica napus - legitimate rape. It’s mostly used for canola oil (Canadian Oil Low Acid, in case you were wondering), but it is also a potent antiandrogen, which, to some people might sound like it wards off men, I guess.